Day Of The Jackals

G-20 Effrontery

Washington (Satire Bureau) November 18, 2008 - They arrived from all four points of the globe, men and women of high political rank determined to fix a very broken world.

Hosted by President Bush in the posh meeting rooms of the World Bank headquarters in Washington, the Group of 20 nations agreed on a number of economic and financial wishful thinking machinations geared to preventing future crises. But as far as coming up with anything tangible, the G20 might be better termed “G-Whiz.”

Lasting less than 24 hours, it is hard to see how the organizers could have hoped for much. There was huffing about more and better regulation and the usual blather about helping the proletariat, but little else. The French daily Le Monde opined that the participants had settled mostly for “declarations of principle,” leaving the hard work to their finance ministers.

“Some of those folks from Asia spent more time in the air than they put in putting Humpty back together again,” observed free market economist, Lacy Fair. “If anything, the soiree was an exclamation point on the ineptness of politicians, from wherever they hail. It had to be one of the dumbest days in political history, and that’s saying a lot!”

He has a point. Frat boys have been known take more time deciding on pizza toppings prior to cell phoning Domino’s. And, indeed, the collegiate analogy is apt. Way back in 1978, another organization, determined to make things rosier, faced a gloomy future, too. The renowned Delta House had just learned that it had been placed on “double secret probation” by Faber College officials. The boys’ rejoinder? Toga party, naturally! (Click the link below for a reminder)

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Such a juvenile response was not lost on the world’s so-called leaders either - although beer kegs and a Motown band was not what they had in mind. Instead, the bigwigs drowned their gloom by imbibing three different vintages of expensive wines, including a Shafer Cabernet “Hillside Select” 2003 that sells for $499 a bottle.

“Hey, what’s the big bloody deal?” dismissed British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, clearly a man who has encountered some difficulty pushing back from the table. “How else do you expect one to wash down fruitwood-smoked quail, thyme-roasted rack of lamb, and baked Vermont brie with walnut crostini?”

A valid gastronomical point, perhaps, but not exactly the proper message to send to the hoodwinkers’ respective citizenries, many of whom are opting for spam and succotash these days, if that.

To make matters worse, one journalist present at the dining hall was overheard describing the gluttony as being reminiscent of Marie Antoinette’s famous attribution. To a starving French populace at the height of a similar financial crisis in the late eighteenth century, the Queen offered, “Let them eat cake.”

“Bolo? Traga-o sobre! exclaimed a delighted Brazilian Presidente Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, looking in the direction of his American host after picking up on the remark. An interpreter leaned in and informed Mr. Bush that the Ipanema Suprema had said, “Cake? Bring it on!” The leader of the world’s greatest super power thought that Senor Lula was recognizing his yankee bravado (with other people’s lives, of course) early in the Iraq conflagration when he challenged those tempted to attack U.S. forces to “Bring ‘em on.” Thus, he returned the compliment by giving a vigorous two thumbs up to his guest.

Alas, there are some places in South America, like the provincial home state of Presidente Lula, where said digital gesture is every bit as offensive as is the middle finger communication in the U.S. - and the rendering a double; that is with left and right hand in a pumping action is surely the foulest of fetid finger affronts.

“I am tempted to say that it all went down hill from there,” concluded Mr. Fair, “but that would imply that the deceiving, despotic, duplicitous, demagogic, denouement-less dog-and-pony show had managed to scale anything more than a mole hill to begin with.”

Thus, it would seem that the Gee-Whiz-bang boondoggle was nothing more than a really expensive and showy way of saying, “We don’t have a clue.”

Meanwhile, a very notable non-invitee was contemplating the same crisis subject matter. President-elect Barack Obama told 60 Minutes that he wasn’t so much concerned with G-20, or Gee Wizardry, or even GDP; he simply wants to find the nation’s economic G-spot, and fast!

“My job is to restore confidence,” the West Winger to-be said, adding that it was his “top priority” to restore “a sense of trust and openness” on Wall Street.

“Let me see if I have this right,” smirked Mr. Fair. “The National Journal ranked Obama as the most liberal Senator of 2007, voting the leftist position on 65 of the 66 key votes on which he participated. Now, with that track record, he is going to inspire confidence on Wall Street, a gladiator pit where the only time the word ‘liberal’ is permitted is when referencing ‘liberal payouts and bonuses.’ Ha, don’t hold your breath.”

Later in the program, Mr. Obama pulled out the  “restore confidence” prattle again by aiming some very vacuous vapidity at the nation’s lowest common denominator - the  sheeple portion of the show’s audience. “We have to do whatever it takes to get economy moving again — spend money now and we shouldn’t worry about deficit short-term,” he actually said.

“This is a case where you hope he simply doesn’t know beans about Econ 101,” sighed the free marketer, “that is, that he just doesn’t know any better, but is merely still programmed to dish out hollow campaign pander. Because, if he truly understands and means what he said, he will make FDR look like a wise and frugal sage.

Hence, it appears Sen. Obama may have caught the “party on” spirit of things along with the G20 revelers. So much for that “Change We Can Believe In” baloney; the president-elect seeks to meddle in what are supposed to be free markets even more than his predecessor.

“Free markets, what fun would that be?” countered Obama transition team member, Carl Marks, while slipping his head through a hole cut in a make-shift bed sheet tunic. “Hit it, boys! “Toga! Toga! Toga!”

Hank Yanks; Market Tanks

Bogus Bonuses In Jeopardy?

New York (Satire Bureau) November 13, 2008 - Frenzied reaction to the announcement was expected, but the first responders to it were somewhat of a surprise.

“Sacre bleu! What are you tryeeng to do?” raged Émile Fortous, owner of Lé Excessif on E. 56^th St. in Manhattan. “Poosh us out uf ze beeznees!”

Goodness. What has him so upset? Did the New York City health inspector find a hair in the Béarnaise Sauce? Did his bartender get foiled foisting a foul fowl folly; that is, substituting Old Crow for Wild Turkey in the whiskey sours?

Actually, it was non l’un des en haut (none of the above) and if M. Fortous’ outburst had been the end of it, one might discount whatever was troubling him as an isolated matter.

But, then there was this. New York Senator Chuckie Schumer was reported to have received a blistering phone call from west Manhattan yacht broker, Lee Ward, and a similar ear bender from upscale, upper east side, and uppers-addicted condo broker, Al Cove - both of whom just so happen to be big donors to the Democratic incumbent. Same line, it was. “What the @!%!**#~@#! is happening!”

Indeed, from Gotham to Greenwich, CT to the Hampton’s, something big was going down, as those who cater to the rich and famous were having herpetic, hair-raising, hot-under-the collar, harrumphing hissy fits.

“Yeah, I heard about the fussing,” confirmed Satire Bureau Business Editor, Crystal Ball. “At first I was puzzled. What could have so ticked off such a disparate group of business people? Then this came over the wire and it all began coming together:

Secretary Henry Paulson said the government won’t buy banks’ soured mortgage assets after all, precipitating stock market sell-off.

“And that change of direction showed up not long after this stunner from the London Daily Mail:

Goldman Sachs ready to hand out £7bn salary and bonus package (about $10.5 billion) after its £6bn bail-out

“And as if the pot required further thickening, the London news item preceded this attention-getter from NewsDaily:

The nine banks about to be getting a total equity capital injection of $125 billion, courtesy of Phase I of The Bailout Plan, had reserved $108 billion during the first nine months of 2008 in order to pay for compensation and bonuses.

Thus,” Ms. Ball summed up, “Treasury boss Hank Paulson took back some of the candy he had promised to desperate banks, saying that the Treasury insert your name was not going to buy their rotted loans, after all.  But he still plans to succor the same bonus-craving zombies by handing them Federal insert your name money via ‘equity capital injections’.”

So what does all this have to do with pan-seared, osetra-sprinkled Spanish mackerel tartare, or perhaps a Sunseeker 105 ft. yacht that accommodates 10 guests and 6 crew comfortably, featuring a luxurious master stateroom with Ensuite bathroom including a jacuzzi and sauna, or even an elegant I.M. Pei designed West Side, 4 bedroom, complete with white glove concierge and a multi-floor water garden, you may ask?

“I’ll tell ya’ what it has to do with all that,” growled realtor Cove. “I was countin’ on those brokers getting even more dough so’s they could splurge on expensive pads, that’s what!”

But wasn’t the public told that the giveaway was supposed to shore up the banks so that they could continue providing financial fuel to the nation? Surely the largess was not intended to further fatten the bank accounts of the greedy hustlers who raked off billions for most of the decade.

“Shore, schmore!” shot back yachtsman Ward. “The only shore I care about is the sandy one my clients head for after they’ve laid out a few mil for one of my boats.”

So that’s it. Whenever the scent of spending somebody-else’s-money wafts into the ozone, everyone gets a whiff - and wants a cut.

Naturally, however, the notion that the bailout proceeds are ultimately headed in the direction of a sumptuous glacier of fromage blanc island cheesecake on Lé Excessif’s dessert tray, creates a huge PR problem for the Treasury and it’s giftees. Thus, some damage control was required.

For starters, several of the companies - including Citigroup and Wells Fargo - have said they won’t use federal insert your name funds to pay bonuses, perhaps by daubing the handout portion of their capital pool with red magic marker so as to separate it from their everyday lucre.

In any case, the reaction from working folks to the banks’ comforting assurances was measured. A focus group of 17 women and 12 men in Wichita listened carefully, and as Americans are wont to do, the participants endeavored to see the issue from all points of view. The clip below is a compilation of the group’s judicious perspective on the claim that the bonuses won’t come via the bailouts; i.e., from their wallets.

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Lastly, perhaps adding insult to injury, the bankers further defended themselves by insisting that, without the bonus incentives, they fear a “brain drain” as superstars will depart for greener pastures, as in long-greener pastures.

“Oh, I get it,” smirked Editor Ball, “We still need to have those geniuses around  to preserve vital American financial syndicates. Yeah, that makes a lotta’ sense! It would be like rescuing General Custer at Little Big Horn so he could plot future missions against Indians; it’s the same as saying we need to keep Bill Clinton in public service - as head of the Girl Scouts; it’s like pardoning Enron execs so that they can do the books for Fannie Mae; it’s analogous to putting Tonya Harding on the Olympic skating team as a role model, or akin to reengaging former FEMA Director Michael Brown for…..anything!”

Meanwhile, readying for collateral damage, M. Fortous was busy cutting costs in anticipation of a halt in haute cuisine  “It has come to theeze, I am afraid,” he moaned. “Boullibasse weeth crabe d’imitation.”

Chevy Chases After Bailout Dough

Saving Crankshafts - Or Getting The Shaft?

Detroit (Satire Bureau) November 11, 2008 - GM shares were down 22.7 percent at $3.37 yesterday, the lowest price since 1946, after Deutsche Bank cut its stock price target to a numeral that begins with “z”.

Rod Lache, the German-headquartered bank’s automotive analyst sliced his 12-month price expectation on GM to $0, and then as if striving for the “Well, duh!” call of the year, he issued a “sell” recommendation.

The stunning prediction left several perpetually bullish TV financial analysts at Fox News and CNBC at a temporary loss for words.

First to recover was Maria Bartiromo, the latter network’s “Money Honey” (a nickname she has sought to trademark). “I’m going to go out on a limb here and issue a strong ‘buy’ on GM when it hits zero,” she gushed. “Grab all you can get at that price!”

Neil Cavuto at Fox likes the one-time automotive leader at that level, too - with a caveat (or is it a “Caveauto?”). “Don’t get too cute hoping it might to go to minus fifty cents or something else under a goose egg,” he urged listeners. Obligingly, the guest he was interviewing at the time, car industry analyst, Ophelia Paine, of Ariel, Paine, Indy, Butz, added, “That’s right Neil, except I would go one step further and say that the stock would be just as good a buy at a millionth of a cent - but for aggressive investors only.”

Regardless of the near to medium term fate of GM’s share price, the very thought of the demise of the legendary maker of the Firebird, GTO, Camaro, and Corvette is hard to fathom.

“Yeah, it is,” commented Satire Bureau Economist, Dr. G.D. Peay, “But this is also the company that staked nearly everything on the Yukon, Suburban, Escalade, and an armada of other gasoline engorging black holes.”

That’s a problem, because motorists are now shying away from the once popular SUV’s (”Sport Utility Vehicle’s” or “Splurge Uncontrollably on Vehicles”). Sales are plummeting for all Detroit automakers, but especially at GM; the company sold 45% - 45%! - fewer cars and trucks in October than during the same month last year.

Thus, the “Big 3″are running out of options, and not in the sense of heated mirrors, GPS systems, and rearview cameras.

“They certainly are,” confirmed Dr. Peay, “You’ve heard of the theoretical ‘Plan A’, ‘Plan B’ and so on? Well, GM is down to ‘Plan Y’. That’s ‘Plan Your Money’.”

It appears that the economist isn’t exaggerating. All of the automakers are converging on Washington, tin cupholders in hand. “Letting GM go is a terrible idea,” CEO Rick Wagoner said on CNBC. “Look at the effect of Lehman Brothers.”

Huh?

Presumably, the man who ascended to the top of the pile at what was once the biggest car company on the planet was comparing the impact of a terminated GM to that of losing a wheeler-dealer Wall Street bank as a way of getting the nation’s attention. Thus, some observers see a cause-and-effect connection between Mr. Wagoner’s gaggle and the downfall of the company he manages.

“That wasn’t too bright,” sighed Dr. Peay. “Americans shed nary a tear over the death of dear, departed Lehman and most objected strenuously to the entire $700 bailout, even though Congress ignored them.”

To be sure, it seems as though those same heinous, highfalutin, heteroecious, hirudinean, Hill hypocrites are now leaning towards loading Wagoner’s wagon with wampum - once again without any regard for what their constituents might think.

“That’s because it’s sneakier to borrow money into existence for these corporate kickbacks,” explained the economist. “And of course that’s what must be done because there is no such thing as a national savings account from which to draw the money. Wake up folks; if there was such a fund, the Federal insert your name debt wouldn’t be over $10 trillion!

“So, Congress will try to deceive you into believing that the magic moolah will come from the ‘Treasury’,” he continued, “when in fact, even more unrepayable Treasury notes will be printed. Ultimately, the bulk of that debt will be pooper scooped up by the Federal Reserve because the usual stupid buyers - pension funds, hedge funds, foreigners, and the like - are starting to wise up.”

The process is technically called “monetizing the debt” because the Fed simply hits a few computer keys - and Voila! - funny money is created with which to do the dirty work. This new lucre is highly inflationary and thus it acts as a stealth tax on everyone. Hence, the sinister genius of the scheme lies in its confusing methodology. Concepts like a central bank and monetization sail over the heads of most citizens and intentionally so. If Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid were forced to come right out and ask for the money, might it not be a different story altogether?

Knock, knock.

Yes.

Hi. I’m Nancy, your Congressperson. I think we need to bailout GM, Ford, and the other mismanaged car company so that they can continue making hoggish road blimps that they will then offer to you for $35,000 and up so that the only way you can buy one is to add to your already stifling personal debt load by indenturing yourself with a 5 year loan for over $700 bucks a month, assuming that a bank will lend you that sum which it probably won’t. (Draws a deep breath) That way, the Detroit exec’s can continue drawing million dollar compensation packages and remaining unionized workers can continue to ply their trade making stuff that most people don’t want while at the same time garnering pension benefits that add about 2,000 bucks to the cost of a vehicle which is a cost that Toyota and Honda don’t have, thus making Detroit’s costs higher than Japan’s before the first weld hits the metal.

So, what is it you want Nancy?

How many in your family?

Four.

Let’s see. I’ll need a check - er, cashier’s check please - for $2,000, $500 per human - for starters.

What about the dog?

Dog?

Yeah, the one I’m fixin’ to sic on you right now!

Tuskalosers

Pachyderms Sent Packing

Washington (Satire Bureau) November 7, 2008 - It was perhaps the worst week for elephants since Hannibal lost nearly all 37 of the tusked transporters while fighting his way across the Alps in 218 BC.

Not only did the Grand Old Party lose the Pennsylvania Avenue mansion, far fewer Republican rumps will be around to squirm in the seats of the House chamber when the new guy makes his first State of the Union address.

Some ask how the blue state party could have fallen so far? After all, it burst into the millennium teeming with testosterone. A second Bush had chad-dangled his way into the Oval Office with solid sycophantic Congressional majorities. Sure enough, it was the other party back then that was struggling to find its identity; some had even sworn it off for dead. “(Bill Clinton) didn’t really stand for anything,” opined the Atlantic Monthly. Thus, neither did his party.

“The Donkeys sure looked doomed at that point,” recalled Satire Bureau Editor Lew D. Crust. “The party’s last president was a lecher and defeated liberals were being carried out on stretchers - it doesn’t get much worse than that.”

Now, just eight years later, it’s the GOP that resembles a MASH unit. The party of T.R.  is in ER; they’re all buried in Grant’s tomb, not just the stiff whose name is on the door; heirs to Taft got the shaft; the gang of the Gipper looks like it met the Ripper; heck, it seems as if nobody likes Ike!

So, while the winners are busy allocating patronage chits and Michelle Obama is shopping for her inaugural gowns, the vanquished are venting and reinventing in Virginia. There, high muckety-muck conservatives will meet to figure out how to get Dumbo out of the ditch. “But the conversation is only beginning,” suggests the Dallas Morning News, “expect tough assessments in the coming weeks from insiders about the party, the McCain campaign and the Bush White House.”

“Yeah, we blew a ten run lead in the late innings,” groused wealthy right-wing donor, Phil T. Rich. The implication of  Mr. Rich’s analogy is clear; it wasn’t so much that the red-staters kicked butt, but rather that the good guys gave the game away by loafing around the bases, letting grounders go through their legs, and missing the cut-off man. Thus, the thinking goes, these lapses can be fixed before the 2010 mid-terms and surely prior to game seven in 2012.

In any case, the losers’ Old Dominion soiree is just too tantalizing from a news perspective. Naturally, therefore, Satire Bureau dispatched its top investigative sleuth to see what was going on at such a high-level chalk talk session. Utilizing deep background and tried-and-true techniques - essentially, keyhole listening - the Bureau’s Claire Voyante  filed this report regarding the discourse she overheard.

Gruff Male Voice - McCain was a disaster. But who else did we have? Rudy? Hucksterbee? So make a note, even though we have no talent in our ranks, we ain’t picking another geriatric who talks like his jaw’s wired shut. Plus, he has less charisma than Stein.

Another voice - Frankenstein?

Gruff Male Voice - No - Ben. But, don’t interrupt me. As I was saying, what we need next time around is a younger guy, a relative rookie with almost no real executive-level qualifications. He simply needs to be a good public speaker, utilizing lofty, vacuous, inane platitudes that sound noble but mean absolutely nothing.

A third voice - But Obama is already on the other team.

Gruff Male Voice - Yeah, I know that, genius. But, we still have hundreds of our own lackeys in office somewhere and all of them fit the above description.

Another voice - But how do we pick the right one?

Gruff Male Voice - Throw a dart, fathead. Do I have to think of everything!!?

A fourth voice - But, that only solves the problem of the designated stooge. What about changing the policies that voters so plainly rejected?

Gruff Male Voice - Lay ‘em on me.

Firm Voice - Piddling tax rebates.

Gruff Male Voice - Ditch ‘em.  No more gifts for the ungrateful bastards.

Another voice - Bailouts to Wall Streeter’s so they can continue to pay bonuses.

Gruff Male Voice - Keeper. We’ve got too may friends there - except for those at Lehman Brothers, of course.

Another voice - Torture.

Gruff Male Voice - Keeper.

High-pitched voice - Subverting the Constitution and Bill of Rights, especially prying into the citizens’ private affairs with warrantless wiretaps and stuff like that.

Gruff Male Voice - Better hang on to those. The problem was we weren’t sneaky enough about it before. This time around we’ll tell ‘em that we aren’t doing it anymore, but we will anyway.

Bootlicking-sounding voice - Hey, I think we’re off to a great start here; 2010 and 2012 ought to be a shoe-in!

Somewhat timid voice - Er, there’s one more thing we might want to consider. How about not starting wars based on humbug, like non-existent WMD’s and terrorist boogeymen?

Gruff Male Voice - What!?? Are you joking?

Same voice, even more squeamish - Well, President Bush does have the lowest approval ratings of all time, only 20% - and we did get smoked on Tuesday.

Gruff Male Voice - Look, I don’t know how you got in here, pal, but in two months I’ll be a private citizen again and a certain stock that begins with “H” will be out of the blind trust.

Same voice, now barely audible - Oh, sorry, Mr. Cheney. I guess I wasn’t thinking.

Still Battling, McCain Comes Out Singin’

But Does Barack Attack Lack Smack?

On The Campaign Trail (Satire Bureau) November 4, 2008 - With but hours left before the polls open, the McCain campaign yesterday not only determined to take off the gloves, but to substitute them with brass knuckles.

The new tack is justified, they say, as even a survey from the hip-pocketed Fox News reveals that the Republican hopeful is trailing by 50%-42%.  “No more biden’ our time,” explained McCain insider, B. Lowe deBelt. “It’s clearly time for the hurry-up offense, which simply means that we will be ‘offending’ even more than usual”

Obligingly, the Rupert Murdoch controlled neo-con network is revving up for a last minute barrage of HMD’s (alternatively, Headlines of MisDirection or Headlines of Mass Defamation). “McCain Narrows Gap in Battleground States,” gushed Fox, simultaneous to its survey results story.

But that was just for openers. In an adjacent headline, there came this hard right uppercut to the Democratic chops - “Palin Goes After Obama on Coal Comments.” The Republican VP nominee, campaigning in Ohio coal country, attacked what seemed to be remarks by Sen. Obama to the effect that he would like to see the coal industry bankrupted.

“Its a stretch,” countered Satire Bureau Washington reporter, George Towne. “What Obama actually said involved the usual equivocating politicianspeak; thus it was stupid, but he didn’t come right out and say he wanted the coal industry to cave in, er, sorry, bad metaphor.”

Nevertheless, the McCaininites have been throwing round house lefts and rights lately - mostly rights, of course - like a boxer whose corner has told its pug that the other guy is far ahead on all three judges’ score cards; hence, only a knockout will do.

Accordingly, the Bureau dug deep into its cache of notoriously unreliable “reliable” sources, and has learned that the following shocking headlines may be imminent:

Obama Influenced By Lenin - Already in trouble because of his ties to William Ayers, co-founder of the radical, building bombing Weather Underground during the 60’s and 70’s, Sen. Obama is believed to still be vulnerable to a last minute pinko barrage. Although Mr. Ayers has been of use, not enough voters remember or have even heard of him. Thus, the network wants to link the Democratic frontrunner to what they call a bona-fide “commie superstar,” like the earlier 20^th century revolutionary with the little goatee. Unfortunately, however, there has been a widely-reported glitch. Evidently, Fox faux, Sean Hannity, forgot to kill his mike when he ranted, “Hey, the guy may be dead but we can still bring on his partner, Paul McCartney!” Sound engineers quickly silenced the right-winger, but not before co-host Alan Colmes was picked up retorting, “Not that Lennon, you idiot, the bosses are referring to one of those sisters on the old Lawrence Welk show…….”

Obama Influenced By Marx - A quick patch job for the above Fox fiasco was rushed into print and production. Tossed this time to the network’s chief toady, Bill O’Reilly, there was considerable confidence that the veteran hatchet-man wouldn’t blow it.

Then he did.

“Let’s get one of those Bolshevik brothers on the Factor,” the irascible Irishman commanded, “preferably the mute one who plays the harp. He can’t talk back to me!”

Obama Influenced By Kim Jong-il - This one had much promise, given that the North Korean despot is far more contemporary than a couple of sepulchered Soviets. Alas, the idea couldn’t get past first base because of a disharmonious dialectic discombobulation. Reportedly, a Fox assistant editor, huddled together with other plotting network big-wigs, abruptly snapped his fingers and shouted, “Kim Jong-ill!” Another responded, “Well, yes he is; but that’s old news.” “No, no,” reiterated the first, “Kim Jong-ill! Kim Jong-ill!” A senior editor frustratingly chimed in, “Quit repeating yourself. We already know the little tyrant is sick - he might even be dead - but what’s his health got to do with undermining Obama?” And that was that.

But then it hit Murdoch’s men like a bolt out of the blue states. Like Gov. Palin before him, Sen. McCain did much better than expected over the weekend on Saturday Night Live. Why not blanket the airwaves with the two of them, featuring their new pop celebrity personas while at the same time trashing the opponent? Soon, keyboards were smoking, make-up artists were summoned, a small orchestra was assembled, and cameras were positioned.

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Take it Johnny!

You say Obama and I say Osama, You like Iraqi’s and I say your’e wacky
Obama, Osama Iraqi, Wacky, Let’s call the whole thing off.

You like Ahmadinejad and I hate Islamabad, You like al quaedas and I hate dictators
Ahmadinejad, Islamabad, al quaedas, dictators, Let’s call the whole thing off.

So you dis the slaughter but I dig Blackwater, You back the Sunnis, I say they’re loony
Slaughter, Blackwater Sunnis, loonies, Let’s call the whole thing off

Let’s call the whole thing off!

And so they did.

Desperate though they were, even the high ranking Fox brass got cold feet and decided to pull the spot at the last minute. But, oddly enough, it wasn’t the Arizonan’s clinch-jawed, mellifluous shortcomings that did him in.

“Yeah, his voice was okay; it was his footwork,” sighed Mr. deBelt. “White men still can’t dance.”

Satire Bureau

Editorial

October 30, 2008

It is time for this digital dialectic to pause from observing the hectic slandering, mud slinging, lying, groin kicking, spitting, hair pulling, grandstanding, posturing, strutting, and sucker punching of America’s every-four-year National Smackdown.

It is time for the Bureau to take a stand on Tuesday’s presidential election.

But before we do, we thought we ought to review what leading newspapers around the nation have done in this regard. Indeed, both Democrat Obama and Republican McCain have garnered editorial support from what used to be known as “the fourth estate.”

Attributed to Englishman Edmund Burke, the phrase acknowledges the first three estates as being the Houses of Lords and Commoners in Parliament. But upon observing the press seated in the Parliamentary gallery, he declared, “There sat a fourth Estate more important far than they all.”

Not anymore. Check out the following:

The Denver Post endorsed Obama, piffling that, “It’s time to change course.”

The Kansas City Star chose Obama, too, generalizing that, “(he) is the right person to lead the country forward.”

The Tampa Tribune tapped McCain, twaddling that, “(he) brings a lifetime of useful experience, including his long Senate service.”

The New York Times obligingly touted Obama as being an “easy selection” because “…after nearly two years of a grueling and ugly campaign, (he) has proved that he is the right choice…” (Note: We are shocked - especially since America’s version of Pravda hasn’t endorsed a Republican since Ike, over a half century ago!)

Great. Just great. With the country slogged down in two wars and with the economy dipping, twisting, and doing 360’s like the Coney Island Comet, we get trivial, tepid, truckling, toadying, tintinnabulating  triticisms. Why not just endorse Obama because he can hit a jump shot or McCain because, because, because, er, we’ll hafta’ get back to ya on that one, Katie.

No wonder the print news industry is going the way of the 78RPM. The Russell 3000 newspaper index is down 69% year to date, and major publishers including Gannett Co., The New York Times Co. and McClatchy Co. have sunk to multiyear lows.

But what’s this? Just when we were about to give up, we thought we had spotted one rag that had the guts to tread where others dared not - The Indianapolis Star opted not to finger either man. What courage! What foresight! What….claptrap. Upon closer inspection, it wasn’t that the Hoosier hyperbolizer had not found either candidate worthy enough, its editorial board was simply evenly divided on whether to support one imposter or the other. Ugh.

Insightful readers may at this point detect where we’re headed with this preamble, but before we actually lay it on the line, we ask for a bit more indulgence as we continue to set the stage.

Hence, consider the following choices:

Tonight on the tube there are only two options, Championship Wrestling or a Jerry Springer rerun. Choose please.

Your broker calls you circa 2001 with two “can’t miss” stock ideas - an Arthur Andersen blessed Houston-based energy broker and/or a telecommunications outfit headquartered in Jackson, MS and run by a guy named Bernie. Choose please.

You find two items in your mailbox. One has sprinklings of a fine powder with a return address indicating that it is from a “Bruce Ivins.” The other is a brown paper package tied up with string, but it’s not from a nun named Maria, but from by a Hun named Ted - Kaczynski, that is. Open one, please.

We shall stop there. The obvious response to all of the above is to do nothing. Even a selection of the least objectionable option results in either a colossal waste of time or big trouble.

So as you have may already guessed, that’s where we were headed; Satire Bureau endorses neither candidate.

But, unlike the Star, it’s not because our editorial staff is evenly divided; we just think both lightweights should be equally derided. To us, it’s not so much a case of the least of two evils; it’s more like not wanting to be the feast of two Weevils. Whereas other opinion makers would have you choose between Tweedledee and Tweedledum, we urge you simply not to be dumb. Whether one of them would more larcenously rob Peter to pay Paul is a toss up; both Peter, Paul - and Mary, too - are gonna’ get stiffed.

One might throw up (figuratively speaking, although the literal meaning of the expression is what we suffer when we try to swallow what either charlatan is dishing) the old saw, “If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain about the outcome.”

We disagree. If you vote for either scoundrel, you sanction a system where, out of a nation of 300 million, two saps like McCain and Obama can surface like foul bubbles in the bathtub water. Sure they want you to vote; it legitimizes the fraud.

Even worse, if the winner gets enough electronic booth clicks or non-dangling chads, he surmises that his double-dealing ways have secured him a mandate, meaning more knuckleheaded notions like voting for the $700 billion bailout/fleecing (both), “Don’t go to work on election day,” socialist wealth distribution, “Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran,” or other bamboozles too numerous to mention here.

Thus, if truly liberty-minded folks turn thumbs down on both parties, they thereby send a message loud and clear. Just like when Ford pitched us the Edsel, Coca Cola coaxed us to guzzle New Coke, or Microsoft tried to cram Vista onto our hard drives, we let them know that we aren’t buying what they are selling.

Whether such marketplace actions will finally work in the political netherworld remains to be seen. But, when you stop and think, it may be all we have left.

Extreme Makeover

Even Stevens Gets Even

Washington and Anchorage (Satire Bureau) October 28, 2008 - Undeterred after being convicted of lying by a jury of his peers, Alaska Republican Sen. Ted Stevens vowed to continue his campaign for reelection.

The jury of eight women and four men deliberated for five hours Monday before returning guilty verdicts on all seven counts.

“Oh, boy,” sighed Fairbanks native, G.C. “Grizzly” Bair, “this is all we need. I wish Alaska could just go back to being a state nobody ever thinks about.”

It has indeed been a roller coaster year for the Land of the Midnight Sun. First, the 49^th state thought it was about to shed its image as being a remote, woodsy trading post. Then, suddenly, like an aurora borealis, it was thrust into the national spotlight when its Governor, Sarah Palin, was selected to be a heartbeat away from a job that could be held by a guy with a 72 year-old ticker.

The euphoria began dying down quickly, however, when it became clear that the former Wasilla mayor was obviously chosen for her good looks and spunky charisma rather than for anything resembling the “right vice-presidential stuff.”

“Yeah, it was like a snowball gaining momentum down the side of Mt. McKinley after she claimed, in so many words, that she was protecting the nation’s western flank from the Russians,” recounted Satire Bureau Washington beat reporter, George Towne. “Then, when she essentially confessed that she didn’t know what the Vice President’s job was regarding the Senate, the avalanche had reached full force.”

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While Gov. Palin, however, is a joanna-come-lately to the national political scene, Sen. Stevens has been prowling the Senate corridors since another feckless, falsifying, fabricating, felonious, fomenter, Richard M. Nixon, was taping his foul phonetics in the Oval Office.

Yet while Mr. Nixon had the misfortune of getting caught, the Last Frontier state’s senior Senator managed for four decades to dodge prosecution while funneling bundles of federal insert your name dollars to his home state, including around $400 million for the infamous “bridge to nowhere.”

Naturally, such largess doesn’t come without a price and finally the octogenarian went a bridge too far and got nailed. Prosecutors claimed that Sen. Stevens accepted $250,000 worth of gifts including a massive renovation of his Girdwood, AK home, a $2,700 massage chair, and a Viking gas grill.

Regarding the latter, an unnamed former aide remarked on the symbolism of a device whereon the appropriation’s ace can barbeque tenderloins, chops, and ribs. “That Viking can roast a mountain of pork!” he guffawed.

It’s an apt metaphor, all right, because Ted spread a lot of bread in order to get ahead in Washington. Citizens Against Waste ranked him number one in pork per capita for eight years running. Astonishingly, for a state with a population not much greater than that of Las Vegas, Sen. Stevens helped bring home a total of 1,452 projects worth $3.4 billion between 1995 and 2008.

“Bonnie and Clyde used to brag, ‘We rob banks’,” Mr. Towne laughed. “Stevens can boast, ‘I rob Americans’.”

But maybe crime doesn’t pay after all; the Barrow gang met its demise in a hail of bullets and Sen. Stevens likely seems to have met his fate the from a hail of indictments. If the 84 year-old doesn’t get the convictions overturned - he’s alleging a mistrial - he will take up residence for the next 35 years in the pokey, plenty of time perhaps to figure out where he will come up with $1.75 million in fines.

Nevertheless, the oinkster has a reputation for orneriness, calling himself “a mean, miserable SOB” on occasion. “I will fight this unjust verdict with every ounce of energy I have,” he growled to reporters.

Still, his supporters think he may need more than his mean mien in order to survive.

Reenter Gov. Sarahendipity.

The VP candidate’s wardrobe has been nothing short of spectacular since the Republican National Committee forked out 150 grand in order to make sure she wowed the voters.

“If it’s worked for a gal who is named Palin,” surmised Stevens’ toady, Wolf Schnidt, “it oughta’ work for guy who is a pain.”

With that, it has been learned that the very same refurbishers that transformed Wasilla vanilla into chinchilla will attempt to do the same for Atilla.

Gone are off-the-rack suits and in their place will be Versace, Gucci, and Yves Saint Laurent.

With only about a week to go before election day, tailors are working around the clock to fit the wet blanket with new threads. “We’ll get it done,” promised Mr. Schnidt, “We can control the apparel part.”

“It’s getting the Senator to crack a smile that give us the most worries.”

Cappuccino In Cupertino

Foreboding Fruit?

Cupertino, CA (Satire Bureau) October 24, 2008 - Maybe things aren’t so bad after all.

For one thing, a new symbol of America’s industrial might, Apple Computer, produced fourth quarter results that were anything but rotten, thanks in large part to tart earnings from the ubiquitous iPhone.

Core profits shot up 26 percent as the turbulent economy did little to waylay consumers from buying a gadget that pretty much performs the same function as the device that A.G. Bell invented some 122 years earlier.

“It’s cappuccinos in Cupertino - again!” gushed Apple software developer, McMillan “Mac” N. Tosh. He was referring back to a time earlier this decade when once high-flying, “twenty-something” millionaires thought nothing of plunking down $4.50 for a serious jolt of java. That was before the dot.com bust reversed those espresso aficionados back into regular caffeine clientele at the corner BP station.

Astonishingly, Apple peddled 6.9 million iPhone 3G’s during the quarter in more than 50 countries. Although the U.S. market accounted for the lion’s share, sales were brisk in virtually every corner of the planet from A to Z, as in from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe.

Admittedly, there was mild disappointment that sales were not so robust in the latter country owing largely to an annual inflation of around 112 million percent. Hence, sticker shock for the $199US iPhone gave pause to most citizens who are having a bit of difficulty scraping up 22,288,000,000 (that’s billions) Zimbabwean dollars for the must-have aural appendage.

And as long as the subject is billions, there was other seemingly good news just days ago when legendary investor Warren Buffet penned an op-ed in the New York Times titled, “Buy American. I Am.”

“Equities will almost certainly outperform cash over the next decade, probably by a substantial degree.” the oracle opined. Without revealing specific stock picks, he continued, “Over the long term, the stock market news will be good. In the 20th century, the United States endured two world wars and other traumatic and expensive military conflicts; the Depression; a dozen or so recessions and financial panics; oil shocks; a flu epidemic; and the resignation of a disgraced president. Yet the Dow rose from 66 to 11,497.”

Sure enough, it did. For whatever reason, however, Mr. Buffet neglected to adjust the results for inflation. The fact is, an early 20^th century dollar is worth less than a nickel today. Even using the government’s lowball inflation methodology, that 66 bucks would only purchase $1,459 worth of stuff in 2008, not $11,497.

“Yeah, that works out to about 5.84% per annum,” quantified free market economist, Lacy Fair, “about the same as the old passbook savings account.

“Thus, some people ought to ask, ‘Why would the revered Omaha curmudgeon bludgeon us with misleading data? We might expect subterfuge from one of the slick Wall Street banksters but not Uncle Warren - except for the fact that he may be the world’s richest man, he’s a regular guy, like one of us’.”

The answer may lie in a recent $5 billion investment made by his company, Berkshire Hathaway, in the giant, but troubled, broker, Goldman Sachs.

“With that sizable outlay, he has a stake in a securities firm that makes very little moolah by telling its clients to go to cash,” explained Mr. Fair. “I’m not saying that that is reason he wrote the editorial less than a month after buying a sack o’ Sachs, but it does make one wonder.”

Indeed, the entire concept of “Buy American,” especially in light of Apple’s iPhone results, has a, well, different ring to it nowadays. The implication is that America still stands for gritty, lunch pail, individual effort. That certainly was the case way back in 1886 when the Dow average made its debut. There were only twelve firms then, as opposed to the 30 we have today, all of them emblematic of an admirable “sweat once a day” work ethic. Included were bedrock industrial companies like Tennessee Coal, Iron, & R.R. Co., U.S. Leather Company, United States Rubber Co., and National Lead Company.

Fast forward to the new century, and we see Master Cards, Miracle-Grow, Chicken McNuggets, and Always Low Prices instead of iron, leather, rubber, and lead. Hence, in its latest incarnation, the “Buy America” notion points to a softer America, where a manicure seems more germane than dirt under the fingernails.

To be sure, for four “financial services” outfits, American Express, Bank of America, JPMorgan, and Citigroup, the proper fingernail length may come in handy when rapidly keyboarding debt from continent to continent. A similar number, representing Walt Disney, Home Depot, Wal-Mart, Coca-Cola, and McDonald’s are on the list because they cater to America’s trendy entertainment and consumer spirit - but more in the way of “paper or plastic” than lunch pails.

Then there are the pill purveyors, Merck and Pfizer, that paradoxically strive to keep Americans well enough to partake in the goodies offered by the group above while at the same time impoverishing them so that they have to hit another form of plastic in order to pay for it all.

Still, to be fair, there are a few manufacturers remaining on the DJIA, like Boeing for instance. But it’s not encouraging that the aerospace behemoth assembles passenger jets for customers that seem to either be entering bankruptcy or finally exiting the same. In addition, it’s a stretch to claim that the firm manufactures other enduring products, like from its war planes division, since they either get blown up or otherwise inflict the same result on their victims. Interestingly, in 1886 there was no such defense component in the Dow, not even, say, Remington Carbines or Acme Saddle Makers.

Finally, there is one Dow company worthy of special note, an American icon most people think of first when recalling the nation’s industrial glory years. “What’s good for General Motors is good for the country,” huffed former president, Charles E. Wilson in 1952. Alas, recently GM and Ford, whose bonds are already six junk steps below S&P’s investment grade at B-, may be lowered yet again. Thus, some 56 years after Mr. Wilson’s candor, another head man, the one in Cupertino, might argue that his iPhones and iPods are the future of the nation, not 3/4 ton Suburbans and F-150’s.

Meanwhile, on the Main Streets of America, regular folks may also be curious as to what Mr. Buffet has in mind. For his part, recently sacked GM worker, S.M. “Spot” Weld doesn’t have high expectations about the “ear candy” wave of the future.

“All of Apple’s junk comes from China,” he groused. “The guy’s name ought to be Steve Layoffs, not Jobs!”

Killing Free Markets In Order To Save Them

We Need An Economic Summit, Dadgummit

Washington (Satire Bureau) October 21, 2008 - Uh, oh. He’s not done yet.

President George W. Bush announced that he will host a summit of world leaders in the near future to chew the fat over the global financial crisis. And he said further that any reform should not come to the detriment of democratic capitalism and free enterprise.

“As we make the regulatory institutional changes necessary to avoid a repeat of this crisis, it is essential that we preserve the foundations of democratic capitalism - commitment to free markets, free enterprise, and free trade,” Bush said.

“We had to double and triple check the wire,” gasped Satire Bureau Business Editor, Crystal Ball, “We thought surely - SURELY - he didn’t say that!”

But most assuredly he did. As any baseball slugger would welcome a game wherein he went “3 for 3″, the Decider seemed smug about his capacity to go “three for free“; that is, he uttered the word “free” thrice - but whiffed on every attempt.

Mr. Bush made the announcement at Camp David in the company of French President Nicolas Sarkozy and European Commission President Jose Manual Barroso. Both guests nodded with approval, or so it seemed, until it was learned later that le président, his internal biological clock still tuned to a European time zone, was nodding all right - nodding off. And why Senor Barroso’s head was bobbing remains unclear as it is believed that his English no es bueno. Thus, he may have thought his host was referencing the cheap goodies at duty-free market en el aeropuerto.

In any case, it was clear that the weekend’s foreign visitors were not going to spoil a pleasant outing in the Maryland mountains by being disagreeable and neither were select Cabinet invitees, Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson and Secretary of State Condeleezza Rice. (Editor’s note: For what it’s worth, if one misspells Ms. Rice’s first name, as we did, by accidentally hitting the “V” key, which is right next to the “C”, spell check assumes that instead of “Vandeleezza, one meant “Vandalize.”)

And even though reporters were invited to record the events, there was no press conference-style give-and-take whereby the scribes could ask the tough questions, assuming they would have done so anyway. It should also be noted that the online rag dishing you this account was not on the official press list and was as likely to be formally invited as a mosquito.

Nevertheless, had the Bureau been in attendance at the rural Presidential retreat, and had a rigorous Q & A been permitted, one can be sure that the following is the kind of cross-examination that Mr. Bush would have encountered.

SB - Sir, you used the term “democratic capitalism,” is that different from, er, regular old capitalism?

The President - Well, yeah, sure. See, we’ve got a democracy here in America so our capitalism is the democratic kind.

SB - But, the opposite of capitalism is socialism and/or fascism. In virtually every dictionary, the former is defined as a free market environment wherein the means of production is in the hands of private enterprise and the latter involves government control. I mean, could a country ever have “democratic fascism?” That would imply, for example, that the citizens of the former Soviet Union truly had the democratic, or ballot box, means to throw out the despots but instead voted to have the snot kicked out of themselves for 70 years. It follows then, that when you say “democratic capitalism” aren’t you really saying “capitalism capitalism?”

The President - Let’s just move on, okay?

SB - But just one more clarification please, sir. Didn’t the people overwhelmingly contact their congressmen and you in opposition to the bailout bill and weren’t they ignored? Even if democratic capitalism wasn’t a redundancy, isn’t that an example of state rejection of the democratic process?

The President - What part of “let’s move on” don’t you understand?

SB - Yes, sir. About your emphasis on free markets and free enterprise. Just since this past summer, the Treasury and/or Federal Reserve bailed out AIG, became foster parents to Freddie and Fannie, arranged shotgun weddings of failed banks with favored ones, guaranteed private money market funds, bumped the FDIC insurance limit to $250,000, geared up to spend $300 billion to refinance failing mortgages, swapped Treasury securities to banks in exchange for worthless mortgage paper, and poofed $700 million into existence to bailout pals on Wall Street - and more. Isn’t that the very antithesis of free markets? Isn’t it, in fact, government control of the economy?

The President - (Looks to Paulson, who is looking down at at his $895 Salvatore Ferragamo Python Skin Loafers) Uh.

SB - Sir?

The President - I don’t have to answer that on account of national security.

SB - Fine sir. Now, in your weekly radio address on Saturday, you said you expect the economy to “bounce back.” Did you mean “back” as in the sense of banks again making no documentation mortgages to people who can’t pay them, double digit housing price inflation, consumerism gone wild, astronomical credit card balances, and no savings. Is that what America needs to go “back” to?

The President - Well, what did you expect me to say? That the econ’my is goin’ south faster than a migratin’ barn swallow? That the meltdown occurred on my watch? This administration hasn’t admitted to any mistakes for two terms and we sure as heck aren’t gonna’ start now!

SB - Follow up, sir?

The President - I don’t think so. But on second thought, I’ll be glad to tell your arrogant butt what “back” means - how ’bout back to the previous eight years where the President makes a dadgum statement and the press respectfully reports it as “words from on high” without tryin’ to extract - whaddaya call it? - some sense out of it.

SB - But, sir…..

The President - Enough! Somebody get the Associated Press, Reuters, Bloomberg, CNN, the big three networks, and especially Fox News in here for the next round of questions. Those hacks don’t understand ec’nomics any better than I do.

The Daley Triple

Mayor Sputters, City Shutters, Union Shudders

Chicago (Satire Bureau) October 17, 2008 - An icy economic gale swept through the Windy City this week as Chicago residents discovered in no uncertain terms that the nation’s fiscal travails are not confined to east and west coasts.

Mayor Richard M. Daley said on Wednesday he will shut down (Warning! Readers with medical conditions that flare up when exposed to obsequiously oleaginous oxymorons, please either skip the first two words following this alert, or read them and call 911 immediately!) city services for three days during holiday weeks as his administration wrestles with a $469 million dollar budget gap. (Click the right arrow below to listen to the mayor make the draconian proclamation - without cracking up!)

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“That Daley has guts of steel!” declared South Side bartender, “Mick” L. Loeb, too busy pulling drafts to worry about his malapropism.

“This is a very hard step to take but these are hard times,” Hizzoner said, too busy pimping to worry about his pandering.

But union leaders say that the mayor’s move is not so much courageous as it is outrageous. “We have attorneys looking at this right now,” threatened a spokeswoman.

Even the Chicago Tribune picked up on the breathtaking consequences of the move as evidenced by this reportorial repartee. “City offices will be shuttered,” the rag reproved.

Could this be a harbinger of a new Great Depression? Will Americans look back one day and say this was the flash point for the “big one?” Like when the Archduke of Sarajevo was assassinated, or when the Lusitania was sunk? Is it analogous to Pearl Harbor or the night Mrs. O’Leary’s cow booted the lantern?

Or could this be one of the silliest moments in all of Chicago’s politically paradoxical history, dating back to at least when the current mayor’s Pappy ruled the Loop?

“The latter,” guffawed Satire Bureau Midwest beat reporter, Horace “Hog” Butcher. “At first I thought that April Fool’s Day had been fast forwarded to October.”

Hardly. The city of the big shoulders’ head man was deadly serious when he took an official step of calling the press conference in order to make the announcement. He told reporters that the decision may save as much as $20 million, just to pick a number.

“Twenty million dollars!” Mr. Butcher winced. “For three friggin’ days!”

To be sure, it is a bit hard to fathom how that amount of pelf has heretofore been paid out to city employees on days when the modus operandi is as follows:

Friday following Turkey Day - Most people take the day off anyway as part of an already generous vacation package or for a sick day, or the latest hornswaggle - a “personal” day. Those that do show up often bring a small T.V. to work with them to ensure that they don’t miss even a second of the non-stop football orgy that began the day before.

Christmas Eve - Already in a festive mood, those that do make an appearance fill the space with the joyful sounds of “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Holidays,” and “Hey, I heard Code Enforcement on four put two fifths of Gentleman Jack in the eggnog!”

New Years’ Eve - Repeat the pigskin but substitute champagne punch for the aforementioned Yule libation.

“No wonder the troops are up in arms,” smirked the Bureau’s reporter, “Not only do they lose three days pay, they forego partaking in departmental banquets also paid for by the citizens via property taxes, sales taxes, parking ticket fines, and other extractions too numerous to count.

“I mean what’s next? Will the mayor take away free coffee and donuts? Hey, why not just make them strip off their shirts so he can flog ‘em?”

Perhaps the criticism, not to mention the sarcasm, is a bit harsh. After all, any attempt to take a whack at the expense side of the ledger is a step in the right direction. It’s for sure that the income component is looking less tantalizing nowadays, as citizens are already being taxed and fined out the wazoo at a time when the same victims are getting hit with high inflation and layoffs. Other areas, as well, are unlikely to yield much lucre although Mr. Daley will try to convince aldermen to raise taxes on downtown parking, ballgames, and major concerts to raise more money.

“Yup, that’ll really work,” snickered Mr. Butcher. “The city will get even less revenue as folks are already cutting back on discretionary spending; they’ll just stay home.”

Thus, more work obviously needs to be done in the cost arena since nearly a half billion dollar deficit will barely feel a nick by way of the inane holiday cutbacks and further gouging at Cubs’ games.

But where to slice? The mayor certainly doesn’t want cut into vital human resource muscle like the following:

• Hundreds of city job descriptions beginning with either Coordinator, Commissioner, Deputy, Manager of, Director of, or Assistant To.
• Task specific must-haves such as: Air Mask Technician, Caulker, Chauffeur, Chief Timekeeper, Epidemiologist I, II, III & IV, Outreach Worker, Parking Revenue Security Specialist, Dentist, and Senior Horticulturist, to name but a few.

“We ain’t gettin’ rid of Epidemiologist IV,” groused a mayoral spokesperson, “so just take that one off any proposed cutback lists!”

But what exactly does an Epidemiologist do and why does the city need four of them?

“I have no idea,” she admitted. “But if it becomes a problem, we’ll just create a new position - Commissioner For Explaning Job Descriptions Nobody Understands.”